The Toll it takes

Changes will be coming to this blog. Big changes. I’m not sure what yet but you can see by my infrequent posts that something isn’t quite working for me anymore. I am not gone though and I am not silent. My focus is just on different things.

I have no interest in writing despairing blogs, full of disappointment at where I am at. On a day to day basis I am actually quite content with the work I am doing as I bob down this blind river toward publishing my novels. I have no hard fast rules or goals, and signs of progress, even success, are all around me.

But “life’s a journey not a destination” outlook does drop out on you from time to time, when it seems like once again I pointed my boat toward a promising shoreline only to end up stranded in the muck and seemingly no closer to my goal. When all the signs that said “you are getting so close, this is the one” suddenly vanish and I wonder if they were ever there at all.

I am not giving up, and I am not despairing. But I am shelving another manuscript, for now, and that is always a bit sad. The active process of querying agents and publishers is exciting and full of potential and while I stopped taking rejections personally long ago, I also have to accept when a book just isn’t going to get any further at this time in it’s present state. At a certain point, I long for the last of the rejections to come in so I can just be done.  No more waiting. No more fretting. No more potential…for right now.

I am okay. I am content. But I won’t deny it takes a toll, long after rejections and silences stop crushing you, they simply pile up in a quiet corner of your mind. They whisper at you when you put an old project aside.  It’s easy to ignore them, actually, but that doesn’t mean you don’t hear them.

You’re getting older. You’re taking too much time. It’s going to be too late.

I’m shelving a manuscript that took years to get ready to query. One that sings in my heart, even now. And I’m doing it because I’m just too tired to keep pushing right now.

Right now.

Not Forever.

So I will rest on this. When I feel like it, I will write. I will submit short stories. I will work on new projects.

And I will come back stronger.