I’m feeling a little sad today. No particularly reason, just a general energy in the air I guess. Alot of people are hurting today. Alot of people are giving up or struggling very hard not to. Even my computer seems to be feeling the mood.
This feeling isn’t new to me. And although today I’m thinking more about friends than myself, it has crept in to my life in the form of discouragement with writing. I have been here before, standing int he midst of the abyss wondering if I am wasting my time, if anyone will really have the change to read my work, if I should just keep my novels safe and warm at home with me instead of giving them to publishers and agents, critique groups and contests where they don’t warrant any acknowledgement half that time.
I have given up. I have given up writing. I have given up the dream. It’s happened many times in the past, earlier in the process than this.
Today, my favorite writing critique group may be done with. People who I have really enjoyed, people who have offered me so much help and encouragement. In this group i finally realized I didn’t have to wait for some perfect day to call myself a writer. I am a writer and I know alot of shit about being a writer too. I haven’t been able to go for two months and I am feeling it.
I’ve given up in the past. Focused on graphic design, home renovation, jewelry design, stuff I liked. Stuff that offered instant gratification. Stuff I didn’t love.
I could stop writing. I could stop pursuing it as a career. But even if I was too unsure of myself to say it, I was still a writer. Being a writer was never a choice. I could only choose whether to hone it or to continue to let it discourage me.
I will not give up this time. I have nothing safe to fall back on this time. Any other career is no longer good enough for me. I may struggle for years to come, but I will not give up this time. Set backs will happen with any career. It may not run the course I want it to or expect it to, but I am not giving up this. I understand now, quitting is just putting off the work I’m going to have to do at one point another.
So I’ll continue to plunge into the abyss. This is what it is to be a writer.
If you’re in there with me, I wish you the best of luck.